So many voices telling me what i should do that i cant hear my own inner voice on what i really want to do and achieve. I dont want a day to come that i would blame myself for what i did and the decisions i made because i listened to the voices of other people except mine. Feeling like i am in a maze so many directions i can turn to but only one will finally lead me to the exit and i stupidly stood there taking all the time to think which turn to take not realising all the time i have wasted and still at the same spot. How i wish i can just find an escape route and just exit the whole maze itself ... no time wasted no stress no resposibilities no troubles no worries and dont need to face people that i dont want to face... but i shall stand strong pray hard i believe things will fall in place just need to give time time...

Sometimes i look back to my life i dont seem to be happy before i am always lamenting about the sad stuff that happened in my life amd being emotional all the time ... I would wonder is it that i have gotten depression too ... But i wish to believe i did not though living with my mum who has it since I was young does increase my probability of getting it but i still can think rationally proves i am fine thank God for that. However, I really dont know why i always feel sad all the time... compared to many people i am blessed I KNOW ... but i just cant feel happy ... i think the problem is not all the things that have happened, the problem is me i keep doing things that make me feel sad... i keep running away from people who try to show care and concern to me its like as if i have built an invisible wall around me and no one can get close to me beyond that wall. I have came across some people who genuinely want to listen to my problems but i brushed them aside cause i know no one can really help me face my problems i have to face them myself so there's really no point to share my problems and make someone feel disturbed or sad or pity for me. I know i should not dwell on all the sad stuff i know i should be gratful for everything in my life but i think i still dont fully understand what that really means... my actions just shows otherwise. I am always doing things that disappoint my parents and those people that pinned their hope on me. After all the thinking and pondering i think why i dont feel happy is because i dont feel that i deserve to be happy. When i look at the things i have done i feel ashamed of myself ... and everytime when i am just about to break free from the trap i sink even deeper God please help me ... Morrie says we should learn to let love come in and in return love others but what should i do if i just feel that i dont deserve to be loved in the first place ...

Joined cheer ..

Yesterday i decided and comfirmed that i will be joining cheer ... i wonder why i made that decision ... i am not skinniy not pretty and definitely has no experience in cheer at all the worst of all my legs trembles when i am up there not like most of the other girls who are naturally quite pro and comfortable when they are doing the stunts ... i wonder will i be able to contribute to the team or become a hindrance to the team ... hahas ... towards all the uncertainties i seriously has no ans to them and cant be bothered ... all i know now is cause of the people and maybe because of the trill of wanting to overcome my fears i clumsily made that decision. Since i have made that decision i shall put in my best effort not half-heartedly but whole-heartedly so that i will have no regrets ... jia you to myself and to the team !!!

Confidence crisis !!

Ahhh !!!
Already in the second month of my uni school term ... i feel so aimless ...
I know i need to study and need to do well but i just cant find the motivation ...
I know i need to go back home often to see my parents but i just don feel like going home to face all the problems ...
I know i need to go back to office to pick up my momentum of running my biz but i just cant be bothered ...
Someone like me is a total faliure ... going through life without taking control of my life ...
I miss the past me ... the cheerful, outgoing, confident and motivated me. Someone who used to be an inspiration for my friends but right now, i am the total opposite; a person that don take initiative to hang out with friends, scared of talking to people, concern of people's perception of me, low in confidence ...
I thought uni was supposed to be a brand new start for me but right now i am just screwing up everything ... my studies, my work, my relationships and ultimately MY LIFE ...
I want to be alone cause i am scared of talking to people yet i am scared of the feeling of being alone at the same time ... i don know what to do with myself seriously don know what to do ... how i wish someone can just appear in my life to gve me a push and enlighten me but not nag at me as if i am a 12 year old .... or maybe i am really behaving like a 12 year old thats why poeple are nagging at me ...

9 days left ...

9 days ... thats all i have ... wahs really must chiong le ...

Mistakes ...

'We must make mistakes !' my usher leader said ... my reaction was 'Huh ?!'
'But , make NEW MISTAKES and do not repeat the old ones .' she continued .Ooooo ....
We may have heard this many times before in our life but do we really think over it seriously ? you may have, but i have not :P As i continue to listen to my leader talk, i was pondering away reflecting over the mistakes that i have repeated over and over again ... and at that moment i made a little promise to myself , i cant swear that i wont make the same mistakes again cause the probability of me breaking it is like 1/1 hahas .... so i said to myself i will do my very best, put in my greatest effort to prevent myself from making the same mistakes again ... If by my own strength i cant do it i will pray hard over it, for i know my God who loves would provide me with everything which of course includes a solution for this problem ...